Bathtub Poop

On reaching the wrong kind of parenting milestone.

This post originally appeared on Substack.

So here’s a real gross story.

I’d planned on writing about something else entirely for today’s installment, but as I’m sitting here watching Shaquille O’Neal get put through a table in a wrestling match, I thought maybe instead I should tell you about my kid’s latest, greatest accomplishment.

Bathtime is my thing, but we’re just now getting to the point where it’s kind of fun to play around with Benji as he’s in the tub. So sometimes I get distracted; either by my phone or by talking to Erin, I may not always be 100% attentive.

Sue me.

Well, I was answering a question that Erin asked me tonight and turned to look at Benji, who’d gotten very quiet, and I saw him on his hands and knees. This isn’t out of the ordinary. He crawls around in the tub a lot, especially on bubble bath nights.

What was out of the ordinary, however, was the large turd just kind of…hanging out of his butt.

Benji was on his hands and knees trying to poop. Well, actively pooping. In the bathtub.

I immediately screamed, “No, no, no!” in rapid succession and started to panic. I didn’t want it to fall in the water; that would…